Spillage

I constantly find myself trying to explain (in my head) who I am and why I act the way I act. It's almost as though I'm trying to explain why I'm inadequate to anyone/everyone in faux conversation or abstract thought - but I suspect it circles back to what a psychologist would call a lack of self worth. Self esteem is transient and malleable, in my opinion. Self worth seems to be more of an unchanging inaccessible root...the metaphorical composition of which seems to be somewhere between granite and chromium.

I don't think I've put the above statement/s quite right but I care not for sitting an extended period of time trying to compose a better sentence. I'd rather continue typing as my brain of late constantly tries to steer me toward the easier, non-productive route and God knows I'll be distracted any minute now.

While I've thought for days, weeks, months of sitting down and writing, seeing where my thoughts take me (on paper) when there is no music, no tv in the background - I've continued to not do it.

You see, this is one of my issues. I seem almost unable to sit in silence and yet this would very likely be something that would benefit me (perhaps even more than most) significantly.

The cognitive dissonance is staggering but only from an external perspective, funny how that works.

HA - I have another computer attached to this, linked. Just caught myself starting to activate a server for another project I'm working on  (was already up on the a separate screen) - I've been typing for barely minutes, with stronger than usual intent to not get distracted...and yet... How disappointing/silly/frustrating/sad. That said, it behooves me in some ways (but certainly not overall - definitely not).

SUPER DISTRACTED - been at this for less than 5 minutes.
I want this to be sensical, so I will pause here...briefly or for an extended period I know not.

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